Making our minds a place we want to be
Making our minds a place we want to be
In 5 minutes.
So, Resilience.
That’s why we’re here. Resilience put another way is how we get through the muck of life without too much of that muck holding on to us for too long.
Perhaps the biggest reason I wanted to create a forum to discuss ways we get through life’s hard moments stemmed from an off-hand comment from a close friend. Almost as a throwaway statement during a conversation one day, they said (quite matter-of-factly) “you have more mental fortitude that I do.”
This declaration stopped me in my tracks and still strikes me deeply when I recall it.
This is a person for whom I have quite a lot of respect, who has been through no shortage of difficult moments in their own life, and who has—by my estimation—done a stellar job to end up on the other side of that muck and still show up for new challenges. You might call them Resilient.
But this person-who-I-respect-and-love seems to think I have a mental and emotional rigor that sets me apart from them and from others (which still isn’t apparent to me, but if I am to believe their point of view, then let’s dig into this a little deeper). So, I gave myself the space to question—why? What makes my mental landscape different?
And then the answer came quite quickly: oh, meditation.
Wait! Don’t stop reading! Trust me. We’re not going all woo. We’re talking about mental and emotional fortitude, and how we create it. So let’s be real about the beast that is our minds, and how pleased that beast seems to be when wreaking havoc upon our emotional homeostasis. The question is: how do we wrestle such a brute?
With our muscles.
And how does one work emotional and mental muscles?
….Thinking…I’m thinking. Still thinking…
Oh yeah! Through meditation.
Or, if that word induces hives, let’s call it mental strength training.
For years I dabbled in meditation (ahem, mental strength training) before it really clicked. That’s when it really started to transform how my mind worked. Early on I tried the sit-and-clear-your-mind type, which doesn’t work for me (because, how does the mind get clear when you’re sitting there doing nothing?!). Then there’s the repeat-a-mantra-108-times kind of meditation that did pay off in some amazing ways, but it didn’t directly address my simmering fears. Chakra meditation was cool and sometimes trippy. But it didn’t go far enough for my active mind.
At some point I had to give my brain something to *do*. It needed to be a part of the solution for the problem it was creating.
I’ll pause for a second to say that I think what keeps many people from getting intimately acquainted with meditation is the fear of what they’ll find inside. Because, let’s be honest, why would anyone actually want to spend time getting close to the furnace that’s burning and churning on that cheap yet plentiful fuel of anxieties? Shouldn’t we just leave the broiling unease alone and not poke it?
Um, no. Because it’s greedy and always wants more to burn.
Finally, I came to a point where I just couldn’t take it. My fears were starting to dictate my decisions, and it felt shitty. That’s no way to live. But, I think that it’s the way a lot of us do live. Every g-ddamn day.
Three Steps That Changed Everything
So for me, I’d reached the end of my mental rope and had to start facing those fears. That meant sitting, clearing some mental space and actually welcoming in the fears.
Yes, welcoming in the fears.
I invited them to tell me why they were here. “What is my fear, right now?” (I call it fear but it can look like the shame we tell ourselves when we make a mistake, the riddled energy when we’re turning the same problem over and over in our head. Or when your leg just won’t stop shaking or your chest gets tight. You know what I’m talking about.)
So I would ask: What is my fear in this situation? And the answer would come. It would sound large and bold and absurd. Silly even. And sillier still to realize that just a moment ago I’d let it have full license to roam in my subconscious. But NOW I could see it for what it was; a throwaway bit of trash. And if this immense presence within was in fact not scary but actually just silly and false, then the next logical step seemed to be to ask: what is my truth? Because if that fear felt real but was actually fake or exaggerated, then, what was the actual truth beneath the moment I was currently in? Turns out, the truth was always better. It might have been buried, but bringing it out into the light, I found that this was something to elevate me. And the third step was to take an easy but logical next step that lined up with that truth.
This sounds simplistic (or absurd…I don’t know, you tell me) but it was more effective than any SSRI I’d ever been prescribed. I called this my Shredding Fear meditation because that’s how powerful it felt. I was ripping through BS that I’d taken for fact for too long. Soon, I was delving into heavy emotional moments I would have skirted previously, knowing that I had a machete that would clear space so that I could feel the truth, not the fear.1
Repeat that process enough and you’ll start to see life differently. Repeat that process enough and you’ll start to show up for life differently.
This is what inspired the comment from my friend about mental fortitude. I still consider that a great compliment. But really all credit goes to those three steps.
And here’s another fun fact: Resilience and mental fortitude are also not a one-person job. When the Mayo Clinic talks about Resilience, they note that “building strong, positive relationships with loved ones and friends can provide you with needed support, guidance and acceptance in good and bad times.”
When things get really hard, I think it’s quite easy to feel like we can’t go on. That we don’t have what it takes. That we don’t have the fortitude to keep going, mentally, emotionally or physically. Because life really is that hard at times.
But we can keep going.
Resilience isn’t a mythical heroic quality. If fact, just recently I struck me; what it is, at the core. On this day when I certainly didn’t feel like I had any emotional fortitude, I realized that Resilience—some days—is just picking up one foot and putting it in front of the other. And doing that again. And maybe…doing it again.
Something Cool…Something FREE!
On the topic of building strong, positive relationships, I have a cool thing to share! The app Marco Polo asked me to be a brand ambassador, which I’m psyched about because their mission is bringing people together. It’s a big part of Resilience and it’s how I’ve gotten through many tough times. I actually called Marco Polo out in an interview I did recently because this app, and the group of friends I connect with there, truly got me through the pandemic and many tough days since! It’s catching up with friends but without having to schedule a call, zoom or get together! (You record video messages and your friend or group of friends can view in their own time. Then they respond. And you go back and forth…hence the inspiration for the name :)
If you’re on Marco Polo or if you download it, find me and say hi!
The app is and will always be free because the company knows (based on an 80-yr long Harvard study) that community is as important and vital as food and shelter to our longevity. And if you want to try their plus version with extra features, here’s a free pass!
Thank you for reading. Until next time, when we’ll be talking more about how community and connection makes life better. Have a great weekend and week!
xx
After this made such an impact in my life many years ago, I went on to teach this process in meditation workshops for entrepreneurs…because you know who has a busy brain that likes to go berserk with ideas (some good, some scary)? Entrepreneurs.
It was a hit.