What's the scariest thing?

Plus info on our first Zoom meet up! But first, today's topic—What do we fear more: getting what we want or the change it takes to get there?

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Hello! I’m so glad you’re here. I was worried that this would be a really hard newsletter to write, but as I sat down to type, the words came easier than expected. I switched things up and held my personal story until the middle rather than using it as the kick off, as I often do. So keep reading for an update on me and why today’s topic is the thing I had to talk about.

ALSO! At the bottom there’s information on our upcoming, premiere Zoom meet up next Tuesday, May 21st!

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Act 1: That big scary thing

There are few certain things in life. You’ve got death, then there’s taxes, and the other constant, as we’ve heard, is change.

Here’s the thing about change; sometimes it’s welcomed, sometimes we fear it. And paradoxically, sometimes both. We can spend our days yearning for something new and different but when we’re presented with that newness, so often we pull back and want to hide in our shells.

It’s like looking at a treadmill that’s already running. It’s not going too fast, we could jump on, there might even be arm supports to hold on to. It would take just a few seconds to acclimate. But there’s a whole mental exercise needed to approach that jump, tame as it is.

Why? Because we will have to do something differently, use different muscles—physical and mental—and, well, that’s a lot of energy. Yes, we have dreams, but are they really worth all that work? {Only you can answer that.}

Photo by FlyD on Unsplash

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Change is hard.

Change is hard.

Change is hard.

Even when we want to actually change ourselves, the act of doing so can feel so incredibly overwhelming; figuring out those new mental and physical muscles, not to mention the shock from a change in identity and the stories we like to believe about ourselves.

It’s why we don’t lose weight.

…why we stay in loveless partnerships.

…why we stay in toxic workplaces.

…it’s why we don’t pursue a degree late in life, even if we long for it.

…it’s why we, often, don’t pursue the version of ourselves we truly want to be.

Because even if we could potentially get *exactly* what we want, it often comes with too much fear to stomach.

That fear of change keeps us small. Though, to be fair, that smallness also a comfy little nutshell. Tight in its diminutive scale but oh-so luxurious in its familiarity.

Going for a dream involves leaving the known behind. There are no guarantees in life, sure, but doing what you’re doing over and over again helps us pretend that we have safety and security guaranteed. But that’s the thing, Life will always find a way to overturn the apple cart, sometimes in brutal, unexpected ways. Which means we can’t stay the same. That’s not how it’s meant to be. 

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Act 2: A personal story

On that topic, there’s a tsunami of change afoot in my own life. Namely, I left the company I’ve worked for for seven years and am now an independent contractor.

Which is a fancy way to say: I lost my job.

Leaving the security of a company is jarring, but also…exciting.

I asked for this

I say that I “asked for this” mega life change because I sorta did. Using that over-used phrase, I manifested it. My soul knew this change needed to happen yet the human part of me kept clinging to safety and security.

On a Tuesday a few weeks ago, I was holding my daughter, looking out the window and quickly invoked the phrase, “please remove all obstacles from my highest path”. This is based on a mantra/prayer I used in the past, though back then it was part of a much more elaborate Mantra Meditation, repeated 108 times daily for more than a month. In that time I would focus on not just the obstacles (don’t get stuck on them!) but also what the path ahead really was. I’d let my soul speak up and remind me of the personal truths that were getting buried in the day-to-day.

Well, his time there were no prayer beads or 30-day cycles and so it didn’t really feel like I was committing to a vision. For Pete’s sake, I hadn’t fully fleshed out what this (alleged) path was that I was asking for. But then….

“Please remove the obstacles to my highest path.”

Two days later, I was informed that my company was restructuring and that my position was eliminated.

WHAT?!

Maybe the Universe, or as I call them—the Big U, and I are now close enough where we don’t need all the pomp and pleasantries of a full month-long cycle of Mantra Meditation to clarify all the details? Maybe we’re just getting right down to business the moment my soul knew to send a signal? With this type of fast, jarring action, I choose to cling to the positive and say, yes. That’s exactly what happened.

Now, let me also say, yes, financially, this is a tenuous moment for both my professional and personal life. With a daughter in daycare, high rent and two prissy Pomeranians to cater to, it’s scary. But also, exciting.

Change is always scary

When things feel scary and stressful, I force myself to remember that even if you ultimately want whatever it is that’s happening, the act of change is scary. That’s just how it is. And we humans get scared when we get uncomfortable. But! Uncomfortable does not = bad.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anaïs Nin

Saying it again for the folks in the back:

JUST BECAUSE IT’S UNCOMFORTABLE DOESN’T MEAN IT’S BAD

When I’ve made big changes in life—I’m talking about the ones I really wanted, like moving from LA to New York just to follow my dream of being a Manhattanite—they were still scary. Change is BIG. And we humans are intimidated by big.

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In the weeks since my departure and on the advent of the “what’s yet to come” stage of my career (which, i’m totally psyched about, btw), I was talking to a close friend about all the ups and downs this life change will bring me, and this wise friend summed up something others have said before, but added her own perfect flair:

“It’s that thing they say: it’s not that successful people don’t have difficult times and are successful all the time, they just know how to get over those speed bumps in life. So when we’re going through hard times, let’s just think of ourselves like that: we’re just out here being our successful selves, learning how to get over these goddamn speed bumps!”

Yes. YES!

I write a newsletter on Resilience and started a podcast called “Let’s Keep Going” because we {myself included} need reminding and support when WE ARE OUT HERE, being our successful selves, learning how to get over THESE GODDAMN SPEED BUMPS!

All this life change stuff—it looks great on Instagram or when we can hear the whole story afterward, but in our own lives and in the moments when it’s happening, it rarely looks or feels like we want it to. {Icky, it feels icky.}

Thankfully, this jarring-and-scary-yet-reassuring vote of confidence from the Big U has given me a creative boost to bring more and better things into the world. {And immediately the Fear Bots start to hammer: “But…how? And in what order? And, how much time will it take to tend to the care and growth of these “more and better things” you want to bring into the world, Mary, when you also have to bring in clients for freelance brand strategy and messaging work?” Excuse me while I try to answer them faster than their AI-generated questions can pellet me.}

Well, that’s the journey I’m on. Some days are filled with inspiration and confidence as limitless as the view of the horizon. Others are just a low muttering of what the f*ck…

But the big reminder, to myself and anyone else who needs it, is that just because it’s not pretty doesn’t mean it’s not good. Believe in yourself that the outcome is worth the discomfort in the beginning (and middle) of the journey. {You know I’m basically just reassuring myself right now, right? Ok, I figured you knew.}

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Act 3: An Exercise

I’m going to end with this tool, which is the only way I know how—for certain—I can support myself during uncertain times. It’s time to Shred Fear.

I outlined this 3-step, 5-minute process in the earlier post, Making Our Minds a Place We Want to Be, which you can check out if you’re interested in understanding why I think this is the single most important tool in life. {Nope, not an understatement.}

Here it goes:

Step 1: Ask, what is my fear in this situation? Listen for that answer. It may sound absurd. Silly even once you bring it into the light. Definitely catastrophic. That’s ok, listen to what it has to say, but then put it aside.

Step 2: Ask, what is my truth? Be still and listen real hard. It might sound like a light little voice peeping up to utter your soul’s deepest truth. It deserves our attention. That fear you just set aside was taking up all the space and you need to keep this moment clear for the Big-T-Truth to vocalize itself.

Step 3: Ask, what is the simple, logical next step that is aligned with that truth? Then do that.

Here are a few examples of how these go down:

1. Fear: “I’m a total joke, no one cares what I have to say.”

2. Truth: You have important lessons to share.

3. Action: Create a TikTok designed to help people find their best outfits/Start volunteering at a shelter or school/Look into what it would take to finally get into your dream career/Use Reels to connect with people going through hard times {I wasn’t even trying to make this about me, but you see what happened, there? LOL}

Or a more physical example:

1. Fear: “I’m tired all the time. I’ll never feel normal again.”

2. Truth: Make time for yourself.

3. Action: Make a date with just yourself this week/ Take a nap instead of worrying that you don’t have time for one./ Start doing yoga regularly to encourage more good feelings to flow in the body. {No, I promise this wasn’t supposed to be about me again…but, feel like maybe the Big U is shouting at me to do some yoga.}

Whatever those fears are, know that there is a bigger, better, juicier Truth just waiting to be heard, and that the actions aligned with that will help you move through all the uncertainty and fear of change.

If you have any questions about this process, shout at me! I’d love to hear them. And of course write me with any other thoughts!

xx M

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Our first Zoom meet up!

If you didn’t see the last newsletter (“This is the Big Announcement”), I wanted to let you know about the cool new thing I’ll be starting: monthly meet ups! We’ll zoom (in what I expect to be a small group to start) and check in, talk about how things are going plus there’s a guided conversation on a topic du jour. This week will be talking about an obstacle we overcame in the past (and if you want to join to listen more than speak, that’s ok!

When: Tuesday, May 21st, 2024 (This coming Tuesday) at 8pm ET/7c/6m/5p

If you’re not a paid subscriber but want the info to join, respond to this email and I’ll get you the info. For this first one, I’m happy to have as many interested people join! And if you wan to become a paid subscriber to get on the list regularly, here is how to change your subscription settings from free to paid:

1. Log into your Substack account at https://substack.com and click "Sign In".
2. Click on your profile icon and select Settings from the drop-down menu.
3. Navigate to the Subscriptions section and click on "Edit" next to the publication you'd like to upgrade.
4. Click on "Upgrade to paid subscription".
5. Choose the paid plan you'd like to subscribe to and follow the prompts to complete your payment.

As always, hit me with any questions you have!